THE STILL POINT

2007-02-20T12:59:00.000-08:00

A LITTLE CHYENNE PEPPER FOR YOU CHAMOMILE!!!

What's What (Remixes) - Who's Who?, Remix By Phillippe B
Sexy Fuck - Who's Who, Remix By Mr. Fisher, James Brady
Someone Like Me - Soulcast
Ladies Night - Atomic Kitten (B side Remixes)
Shoot Me - Bonse Ft Mike Perry
Be Still - Kaskade
Little Wai Tai - Janette Slack
Future of the Future - Deep Dish
Flashdance/Galvanize - Deep Dish / Chemical Brothers, Remix By C & B
Showstopper / Set It Off - A-Sides <<>>>
Strictly Turntablized - DJ Krush
Echo - Luke Dzierzek
Mad Mac EP 2 (Maccas Diner / Bring Your Love) - Suzanne Vega / Unknown, Remixes By Macca <<>>>
The Big Rinse - Macca
Moondusted - Uberzone

2006-11-10T19:36:00.000-08:00

AND HERE WE GO. MUSIC UPDATE. OH YES, THERE ARE SOME GREAT ARTIST COMING THROUGH.

BT & KASKADE NOV 18
UBERZONE NOV 22
DJ MICRO NOV 25
IMOGEN HEAP DEC 8
AMOS LEE DEC 14

2006-10-31T09:31:00.000-08:00

The Top 35 Torrent Sites of 2006

http://netforbeginners.about.com/od/peersharing/a/torrent_search.htm

BECK HANSEN / RICHARD ASHCROFT

2006-10-12T11:04:00.000-07:00

DO YOURSELF A FAVOR:

http://www.nytimes.com/images/2002/03/17/magazine/mag_BECK_clr.pdf

exodus.interoutemediaservices.com/deliverMedia.asp?id=6BD5C37C-877C-4910-980A-B1F585C21266

CHUCK NORRIS ROUNDHOUSE FOR PEACE

2006-10-04T07:46:00.000-07:00

2006-08-17T06:56:00.000-07:00

Drums & Tuba - Aug 28
Brian Jonestown Massacre - Sept 15
Red Fest - Sept 21-22
Andre Rieu - Nov 4
BT/Kascade - Nov 18
Alison Chains - Nov 22
Brian Regan - Dec 7 & Jan 6

2006-07-20T20:00:00.000-07:00

HOW IS YOUR DJ IQ?

http://www.djtimes.com/bestdj/candidates.htm

2006-07-16T17:47:00.000-07:00

bOOKS:
-lOLITA
-fREAKONOMICS
-rEADING lOLITA iN tEHERAN
-a yEAR wITH sWOLLEN aPPENDICIES

fILMS:
-eVERYTHING IS ILLUMINATED
-bREATHLESS
-aNYTHING tRAFAUT. HE'S AMAZING!!!

sONGS:
bABY'S oN fIRE - bRAIN eNO
cUBICLE - rINOCEROSE
dRY tHE rAIN - tHE bETA bOYS
iNTERNET rELATIONSHIPS - dJ lARS
bITCH - rINOCEROSE
wE uSED tO bE fRIENDS - dANDY wARHOLS
nOTHING iS wRONG - gOMES
bROWN eYED gIRL - zIGGY mARLEY
gHOSTWRITER rEMIX - rJD2
aNOTHER cHACE (fULL mIX) - rOGER sANCHEZ
aCID jAZZ aND tRIP hOP - mASSIVE aTTACH
wICKED 'lIL gIRLS - eSTHERO
lONDON mIND sTATAE - dJ vADIM

tHOUGHTS:
-mISSED oAKENFOLD iN tHE vENUE wEDNESDAY. dRAG!!
-aC mILAN AND jEVENTUS pUNISHED tO lOWER lEVEL. gOOD.
-rOONEY pENALIZED bY fIFA. wHATEVER. bECKS rESIG. sURPRISE. zEDINE hEADBUTT. gO oUT iN sTYLE, aND hE wAS pROVOKED...
-wHEN iS tHE mIDDLE eAST nOT oN bRINK oF wAR.

qUOTES:
-lADYSMITH bLACK mAMBAZO IS COMING TO SALT LAKE. i LOVE LADYSMITH BLACK MAMBAZO. WHO ARE THEY AGAIN?
-sATURDAY nIGHT lIVE'S tOONSIES THE rACING cAT dOES WHAT AT THE END OF EVERY EPISODE
a. eATS HIMSELF TO DEATH
b. dRIVES OFF A cLIFF
c. sINGS A DEATH SONG
d. jUMPS OFF A PLANE
wHAT?!! tHIS IS A GAME SHOW WITH A QUESTION LIKE THAT? hA, tHAT'S hILARIOUS.
-sOMETIMES i STARE AT MY SANDALS FOR HOURS. nO, i'M NOT JOKING.
-rESCUERS ROW ROW
dO YOUR BEST TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT
bLOW THE WIND BLOW BLOW
lEND SOME ASSISTANCE TO THE OBJECT.

2006-05-08T17:45:00.000-07:00

Let's talk brian transeau, better known as BT. i went friday night to his concert, which is promoting his new lp, binary universe. while i arrived knowing it would be stellar, he did not disappoint to say the least. The songs, new and older, were amazing to hear live and see BT on stage spinning. while i know he doesn't like to be referred to as a dj. He really ripped it up. I danced my ass off!! BT Rules!!!

2006-04-18T16:48:00.000-07:00

Loose Change!!!

Watch it. it takes about an hour.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-2023320890224991194&q=loose+change

2006-03-13T15:53:00.000-08:00

This is where i was 4 years ago. i was at this exact place in sukothai. and i wanna go back so badly!!! the world cup happens this summer. can't i just go live in sukothai, work on my dj sets, watch my favortite world event EVER!!, get tan, workout everyday, scuba dive, eat healthy amazing food, let my skin cleanse itself in the exotic humidity, and brush up on my shabby thai?????

2006-03-13T15:07:00.000-08:00

The speed of sound- coldplay.

i heard the song and really liked it but thought. that would be a fun song to remix. cool to find that carmen rizzo had the same thought.

http://www.carmenrizzo.com/mp3s/music.html

ps. yes, i still may play around with this song. rizzo's rendition was not the at all what i was thinking to do with it, but actually i like carmen's version better than coldplay's original, and that says a lot.

--the weather lately, snow, sleet, crystal blue, snow on the ground, wet, dry, in a word, capricious. feels like my sentiments right now. i have so many ideas that pop through my head, i want to do them all, but its just not feesible. right now i'm just trying to figure out what i'm going to do for this summer.

2006-03-11T11:39:00.000-08:00

i should have gone into the doctors office earlier. it took losing my voice and my tongue turning black from all the vomiting, plus the fever, chills, body aches, intense pressure in my head, and light sensitivity for me to come to the decision to accept that dwelling on not having insurance was not helping me at all. when you wish you could just die to get rid of the pain....something is definately not right. right now i'm on a coctail of steroids, anti-bacterias, and general narcotics. and wow, i actually feel like i'm going to get better for the first time i the last 96 hours. I hope i never have to go through this again. I have either mono or strep. tests pending from the labs. the nurse said she's never seen a more inflammed throat. i tend to believe it only from the doctor's reaction when he saw my throat and black tongue "omg!!" but i'm still alive. and we never have to relive memories for the better or worse. we only have the present.

Artist: DBR DANIEL BERNARD ROUMAIN. He was classically trained but wanted to make his violin do things it didn't necessarily want to do. well, he now has a 9 piece chamber orchestra. that includes a DJ. He has a laptop concerto. he mixes classical sounds with hip-hop music. If we can't respect the art in this, then i know not what art is.

http://www.dbrmusic.com/

THE ONLY CONSTANT IS CHANGE

2006-03-03T11:12:00.000-08:00

The above picture. spence, jana, riss and I, at riss's wedding. such crazy memories, kinda put to rest at her wedding. funny how that is with marriages.

yes, this picture was taken by yours truely. pretty much my sentiments about the current political milieu.

finally. foxy foxy is great new rob zombie. think i'm going to remix at some point into something d&b or 200+ bps trance.

2006-02-25T13:44:00.000-08:00

LIFE MEANING, CONNECTION. PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER. ITS NICE WHEN YOU IDOLIZE SOMEONE, AND YOU GET AN ENTRY LIKE THIS (FROM BT .)

ALL HAIL TO ELECTRONIC UNDERGOUND!!! TO THE ANTITHESIS OF CORPORATE AMERICA, TO FINDING BEAUTY, LIFE AND ART THROUGH IT ALL.

HERE IS BT'S LATEST ENTRY:

the 06 :)
Current mood: rushed

What a journey this year has been. One of the hardest, most confusing, turbulent, powerful, constructive, exhausting, overwhelming, important, frustrating, cacophonous, yet creative and beautiful years of my life.

I gotta admit.

Not one that I will be unhappy to say goodbye too.
With exceptions of course. What a beautiful year of growth watching and parenting Kaia. Watching her walk, sign, speak, swim…..beauty indescribable.

But personally, a train wreck, four huge legal wars, that alone have not only eaten my savings, but have put me so far in debt it may take me years to recover….that is if I escape bankruptcy. One lawsuit is ongoing. There is a guy in New York, that claims ONE loop on my sample CD (a one bar loop) is his. A composer used it in a Pfizer commercial and he heard it, say’s it’s his (I made the loop in Reason in about 5 minutes, and furthermore after paying a musicologist 10,000$, found out that it’s the first beat in the book “Intro to drumming”, literally the first beat they teach you when you learn to play drums). Well how’s this for the American legal system…..

He is suing me for 10 MILLION DOLLARS.

Not joking. He’s also suing East/West the company that distributed my CD for 10 million dollars and Pfizer etc. We have done FFT analysis of the loop, showed the judge waveforms, etc…..does not matter, in America, you can sue anyone for anything. Here’s the kicker…..I have to pay for my own defense, and this guy has some ambulance chaser attorney working on a percentage with nothing better to do than try to force a settlement with a huge corporation, and some guy that just loves making music and sounds, so he can sit on his ass and smoke weed all day. I swear sometimes I want to renounce my citizenship.

Anyway, all this anti-legal, expatriate sort of stuff may be coming from the fact that I am in one of the most beautiful, eco friendly, amazing people, food, diving, jungle, unreal places on the planet…

Costa Rica

God can I rant sometimes, you should try being in my head. Can you imagine borrowing someone else’s thought process? I bet that would be the most confusing but cool thing ever. Just as long as you could make it stop when you wanted. Some straight William Gibson stuff. I heard that Nicoli Tesla (one of my SUPERHEROES) was working on a medium for recording and playing back thought when he died. PS: almost all his discoveries were made classified and his citizenship renounced after his death. The government also took all his works in progress and notes, none of which have ever been published. We get the Tesla coil and the neon light…..meanwhile, it is rumored (yet highly corroborated) that he also invented means for group thought entrainment (see HAARP if your interested, but get ready to walk down a dark scary path) and wireless power. But I suppose it made better bombs than commercial technologies. Can a mofo at least get some wireless laptop power? Lol

Anyway, I am at a dusty sweaty corner in Montezuma, a cacophonous overture of languages and colors flurrying around me. The green is truly greener here and the sky in bluer than I’ve ever seen. This is a corner, throbbing with life and culture.

I am growing weary of growing weary of the way we live in Los Angeles.
I am tired of complaining.

It’s time to slowly act. Or more act cautiously with speed.

I love what America stands for and is founded on. What a beautiful document the deceleration of independence. Beautiful like religious texts and full of altruism and clear intention.

Now we are starbucks, and consumption, FOX news, persecution of peoples of other colors and religions, a country divided, segregated, separated and unconscious.

Not all, but most.

What did you do today? Go to work, slave for someone else, put yourself further in debt paying for food and goods on credit cards, had your buying preferences ranked and logged in a database that categorizes demographically buying habits and preference so you can be properly marketed too.

We are fucking sheep.

The undead, the Truman show, the half awake, the quickening is coming and it’s burning the beauty out of us all.

When it ends, I don’t want to regret a moment of how I’ve lived.

Do you?

Well it’s a new year, a new season, a new birth, beginning. They say new years resolutions never stick. Probably true. I sure never make them; but I’d love to share a way I reorganize in a new year in hopes that you can try it and it helps you too.

I make a list for the year.

Everything I will do and accomplish that takes effort and planning. It’s a lot easier that tying string around your fingers. If I did that, I’d have no hands by now. Every year I do this and I slowly check off things on the list and by years end it’s done. And it feels fantastic. Some things on my list this year; play in Nicaragua, Make a bell/shell instrument out off all the bells and shells, get a piece of wood and fishing wire for this and spread them out nice, drill it nice etc, Learn to wire a 555 circuit, Get new infinity working on this laptop, Take some more drum lessons and more counterpoint, maybe supercollider at Cal Arts.

Stuff like that; and ask me next year those above and everything else on the list will be done.

I think life is about follow through.

I’ve been back now since Wednesday. I am with Carlos, were flying back from Denver, we had an awesome show last night. Played a Beatport party.

It’s hard for me to talk about, but it’s hard for me to stay in the hotel Monaco. I love that place, I have some really wonderful memories there, just hard. It’s a beautiful grand, old place, dark colors, rich curtains and they love dogs there. There are always beautiful little dogs when you stay there.

The clouds over the Rockies are beautiful right now. It’s such a blessing to get to see the earth from this perspective…..100 years ago this was impossible. Now I am pissed I can’t get web access on planes. The clouds look like glaciers or frozen milk….there is so much beauty here.

Last night I met a friend of Carlos named Monique. She had some food with us after the gig, cool girl, pensive face, and tentative but pretty affect. She began to tell stories, and I listened while I sat on the floor munching on some bread, glass of wine and a soldering iron, wiring new potentiometers and capacitors into my latest creation. (ps if any of you feel like the step up in security is working, I flew with a power drill, exchangeable bit set, about 100 pots, 200 caps and a ton of resistors, cable, solder, wire cutters, needle nosed pliers etc………SCARY!!)

Anyway, Monique began to tell stories, they were insane. She was in a car with 3 friends, they were hit head on, 5 people in another car and 2 of her friends were killed instantly. She was almost abducted by a serial rapist/murderer last week, she’d been in 9 accidents, insanity…..it was unreal.

I don’t know if I am going to get into ghost stories right now, although I have some REALLY good ones, or the supernatural….but I was overcome with the feeling that something was attacking, praying, feeding, latching to this girl. I told her, to find someone, not a schmuck, or crystal toting tree-hugger, someone with a gift in the healing arts, and ask them to clean her off. There was something REALLY heavy going with this girl. I suspect she has something important to do. I have never met ANYONE, that had a purpose the involved or effected a large group of people, that there is not a energetic war fought over. Sounds a little nuts hunh? You’d not believe some of the things I have witnessed. In fact if I told you, you wouldn’t believe half of them. There is the world around us, that we like to call reality that is not even half the picture, it’s a head fake like they use in magic, a dangling toy on a string…”look at the bunny”. What is it? Kind of a control mechanism. A means for homogenized living, civil rest, a lack of seeking a questioning. But beneath the 9 to 5, and calling your mom, and high sugar, indigestible foods, behind the wool we live with over our eyes, is the real world, and it is a world where the unexplainable happens on a second to second basis, where a particle shot at a metal plate with 2 holes in it passes through BOTH when it is not observed, where twins know when the other is hurt, were instinct or even voices change our path to protect our livelihood, were animals wait at the door when their owner leaves the office, where creatures flock together in one direction with out a single sign communicated, where particles that are paired when split will change spin if one of the partners spin is changed, where ghosts, and angels and thoughts, our energies and entities both manifest and unseen move and act and create and destroy. Once you have an experience with any of this, it’s kind of like your first earthquake. You’ve stood on the ground your whole life and it’s never moved. You just take for granted that the earth under your feet, stays right where it is; until it does move. Then your perspective shifts, and you realize, take nothing for granted, and not to judge things by what they always have done, but to realize there is possibility and potential stored into every atom of everything, that at any moment may behave unpredictable, and that usually leaves you feeling a combination of awed and unstable, like scuba diving into “open blue” with no reference point where the top or bottom is. Just look at your bubbles. That’s which way is up.

That means something but I don’t know what J

I am going to post some great new pictures. I love Costa Rica. I am elated about the New Year, and I am thankful for all of you.

With love,

B

HOW RE-AFFIRMING TO SO MUCH THAT I STRIVE FOR AND SEEK!!!!!

-E

2006-02-23T17:03:00.000-08:00

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENS WHEN YOU MIX SURFER ROCK, COUNTRY, AND BLUES?? I WOULD ASSUME RESULTS SIMILAR TO DUCK HUNTING WITH DICK CHENNY..... WELL, TO MY SURPRISE, IT ACTUALLY IS PRETTY DOPE!!! CHECK IT OUT...

ARTIST NAME: C.C. ADCOCK
CD: Lafayette Marquis
MY FAVORITE TRACKS ON IT: STEALIN' ALL DAY, Y'ALL'D THINK SHE'D BE GOOD 2 ME, BLACK SNAKEBITE, LOADED GUN.

HERE IS A SITE WITH A FEW OF THE TRACKS: http://www.puremusic.com/listen23.html

WHAT DO THINK???????

PS. TRISTA,HERE'S SOME ARTISTS YOU WOULD LIKE: THE SOLID DOCTOR-HOW ABOUT ABOUT ETHER? CARMEN RIZZO-LOST ART OF THE IDLE MOMENT, CAIA-MAGIC DRAGON

2006-02-14T13:04:00.000-08:00

HERE'S A LINK FOR SOME GREAT LIVE STREAMS.

http://www.trugroovez.com/forum/phpBB2/sutra4832.html

GROOVE SALAD IS ONE OF MY FAVOS.

2006-02-09T09:18:00.000-08:00

mmmmm. traces. real fun for all ages. how does the peanut you just ate make it to the toilet?.......

-nasal cavity if you sniffed the peanut. (not recommended...being the case to nasopharynx)
-oral cavity (most likely)
-oropharynx
-larygopharynx
-larynx
-esophogus
-stomach
-pyloric sphictor
-deodenum
-jejum
-illium
-illiocecal valve
-cecum
-ascending colon
-transverse colon
-descending colon
-sigmoid colon
-rectum
-----toilet se vous plait!!!

this is a short trace. most of the traces are 25 to 30 steps.

2006-01-13T08:31:00.000-08:00

MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA.....the movie

rob marshall directed it. not necessarily a big fan of rob marshall, the first time i saw the movie i thought it slaughtered such an incredibly book that I WALKED OUT half an hour into the movie. no joke. i rarely walk out. okay, partially this was my own fault because i finished the book a day before i saw the movie so obviously the book imagery and plotline was very fresh for me, but the first 45 minutes or so of the movie are so disjointed and ambiguous in regards to the book story line.

so, yesterday i went to a movie with some friends. we saw the movie hostel. Yup, the horror movie. unbeknowgst to me. well, half hour into that movie, after seeing more tits and ass on screen than i unknowingly paid to see, a girl gets her fingers CUT OFF one by one. GRAPHICALLY SHOWN. Seeing George Clooney get his fingernails pulled off one at a time was gruesome enough for me in Syriana (AMAZING MOVIE FYI), but sheers to cut off fingers was my cue for a one way ticket the hell outta dodge. yup, i left that movie, with two other friends, so what did we decide to go see......yes, you guessed right. MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA, about half an hour into it. about where i left off. Destiny, fate, the film gods, whatever, obviously wanted me to watch the rest of Memoirs. AND...........it was actually a pretty darn good film, minus the beginning. i quite enjoyed it.

ANYWAY, that is my redemptive opinion of MEMOIRS. Nothing really new with me. Like the start of a new semester. I'm meeting pletty of betties, which i never ask out, who knows why. Getting buried alive in ANATOMY, loving it though.

2006-01-08T14:42:00.000-08:00

a person fact: If Christmas music was splice and diced in this fashion......i would never get tired of xmas music again!!! http://hype.non-standard.net/track/41516 (click listen)

Novels i have read recently:

-when the air hits the brain: tales of neurosurgery. frank vertosick
-memoirs of a geisha aurthur golden
-the brothern. john grisham
-the broker. john grisham

Bands i'm into currently:

-The Dining Rooms. (for a music stream.... http://www.thediningrooms.org)
-jon kennedy. (jonkennedy.co.uk)
-dj krush
-the light footwork (i've met the chick singer in this band. really chill girl.)
-the happies
-Budapest Eskimos (The Lushlife Project CD)
-Jem (finally woken CD is great)

Films worth seeing:

-munich
-syriana
-good luck & good night
-lords of dogtown

Comments:

-I start another semester tomorrow.
-This winter has been ideal, mild with minimal snow.
-Why does the U not offer the sculling course anymore. that sucks.
-I hate finishing good novels cuz then i have to search for another one that is better than average.
-Sundance film festival: wanna see alpha dog, and michael gondry's new film, the science of sleep.
-no definate vacations planned right now. blah!!

-----dream on false start and pick up deep bass Chuck, I'm out.

later everyone,

erik

2005-12-11T14:18:00.000-08:00

lets talk females

--idina menzel is amazing. gorgeous, talented, the whole package. Clark has run into her a few times in new york and says she is actually even more striking in person. forget about!! http://www.idinamenzel.com/ (if you actually go to the site, check out the article salma hayek wrote about her) I'm actually glad she's with Taye Diggs, 2 super talents deserving.

----Sophia Barker. amazing voice, philanthropist, philosophical, ambitious, on the rise, and yes, attractive also. i'm a huge fan. Zero7 was the project that really put her on the map. she has recieved accolades for her work on Bliss. she now is working on a solo album. http://sophiebarker.com/

-----Jessica. Am i somehow attracted to the name or do jessicas just intrigue me? i have big fat crush on 2 jessicas. both sorta difficult to attain. Both Brunette, Both striking. AZ jessica situation kinda kills me, i really like her a lot, and i found out that it was mutual after she moved a state away from me. UT jessica, lives an hour or so away, and she's quite a bit younger than I.

--------Madonna. Confession on a dance floor is Fierce! Its actually a dj set (no pauses or hard stops between tracks). This album is a return to her roots. I endorse the album in my esoteric of sorts.

-----------Clark. ha. hope you like being included with the girl list. i love him. it's been so fun visting and catching up with him. I've always thought the world of him, and he never fails to affirm my opinion. i mean, for real, how many people really "love ladysmith black mambazo". j/k.

life is great. being alive is great. ups downs and all arounds, so long as I'm progressing and learning what life is trying to teach me, i feel like that is all that i really need to do. i'm not living anyone else's life, i just am where i am, and good or bad as it is, it just is, i'm glad to be alive, happy for a lot of the simplicities of life, a good movie, a bonding conversation, a first kiss with someone you care about, a new book, a good work out, a new lp, a heartfelt hug, a quality sushi roll, and a good crack snort. j/k

later,

---e

2005-12-11T00:14:00.000-08:00

OKAY PEOPLE. FOR REAL, THE ALBUM OF THE MONTH IS CAIA-THE MAGIC DRAGON. ITS AMBIENT D&B AND AMAZING AT THAT. ALRIGHT, YES, I ADM OBSSESSED WITH THE ALBUM, AND HAVE BEEN FOR QUITE AWHILE.

SO, NEW IN THE LIFE....

WENT TO A GAY PARTY AT CAPITAL HEIGHTS. WHILE I DON'T SWING THAT WAY, IT WAS AN ODD EXPERIENCE...BEING SURROUNDED BY GQ MODEL MEN, FRATERNIZING, FLIRTING, YET, FULLY KNOWING THAT I HAVE NO REAL POTENTAL INVESTMENT OR INTEREST (NO THIS IS NOT A BANK COMMERCIAL). I DID HAVE A GOOD TIME. GAY MEN FOR THE MOST PART ARE "GENTE BOA" AS BRAZILIANS SAY. (DIRECT TRANSLATION IS GOOD PEOPLE USED IN THE SINGULAR TO DESCRIBE SOMEONE, HOWEVER THE ENGLISH TRANSLATION LOSES THE FEELING OF THE WORD, BUT, IT'S A PERFECT DESCRIPTION)

NEW MOVIES I'VE ENJOYED LATELY. OKAY, I AM A FILM FREAK. ADMITTEDLY. AND I HAVE SEEN SOME GREAT FILMS LATELY.

----WALK THE LINE. OKAY, ANYONE WHO HAS LIVED A LIFE OF DEPRESSION, FAME, SUCCESS, FAILURE, REHAB, HEARTACHE, UPS, DOWNS, AND ALL THE OTHER MIDDLE GROUND, AND OVERALL, STAYED SANE, AND HIP TO BOOT IS IN FULL GRACES IN MY CRITICS. FULL ACCOLADES.

---RABBIT-PROOF FENCE. NOW THIS FILM BLEW ME AWAY. WORDS TO DESCRIBE: DETERMINATION, HOPE, LOVE, SURVIVAL, DISCRIMINATION. THIS MOVIE REALLY MOVED ME EMOTIONALLY. ITS KIND OF A DEPRESSION SUBJUECT BUT YOU DON'T WALK AWAY FROM THE MOVIE FEELING SAD OR DISAPPOINTED. TO ME IT WAS UPLIFTING.

---LES CORISTE. THE CHORUS. IN FRENCH WITH SUBTITLES. SO GOOD. HAPPY FEEL GOOD MOVIE.

---MEAN GIRLS. ITS ACTUALLY A PRETTY INSITEFUL FILM. AND VERY FUNNY. THE DELIVERY IS GREAT.

I'VE BEEN DATING KINDA A LOT LATELY, BUT I'VE GOTTEN TO THIS POINT WHERE I'M NOT REALLY SURE WHO THE HELL I AM, SO HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FIND A GIRL TO COMPLEMENT ME...

I HATE MY WORK AT THE MOMENT. ITS DECEMBER, THE BUSIEST TIME OF THE YEAR. I WORK AT A RESTUARNT, A PLACE THE PEOPLE ENGORGE THEMSELVES. ITS REDIC HOW SERIOUSLY EMPLOYEES AND MANAGEMENT PRIORTIZE THE JOB. I THINK PEOPLE AT MY JOB ARE SOMEHOW THREATENED BY ME, OR MY ENERGY AND VIEWS. I JUST KINDOF DO MY THING AND GET THE JOB DONE, BUT SOMEHOW TROUBLE ALWAYS SEEMS TO FIND ME. AND USUALLY THE "TROUBLE" IS NEVER REALLY PROBLEMATIC. AT LEAST IMO. EX: I GET DONE WITH SERVING PEOPLE, HAVE A FEW MENIAL JOBS LEFT, WHILE I'M WAITING TO GET MY MONEY I DECIDE TO GO DOWNSTAIRS AND CHANGE OUT OF MY UNIFORM SO I CAN COME BACK UP, GET MY MONEY, FINISH WHAT LITTLE THERE IS LEFT TO DO, AND LEAVE STRAIGHTWAY. THE NEXT DAY I WORK THERE IS AN ANNOUNCEMENT IN OUR OPENING MEETING ABOUT CHANGING CLOTHES UNTIL YOU ARE COMPLETLY FINISHED WITH YOUR WORK. WHATEVER!!

THE REAL DEAL

2005-11-28T21:45:00.000-08:00

What is the REAL DEAL you may ask? Free 30 gig color ipods. People i know who have recived them: Courtney, Russ, Ryan I, (Russ's bro in law). Courtney has had a 20 gig ipod for a year, which she's selling on ebay, and keeping her new 30 gig.

spiel: sign up. sign 5 people up. That's it. Never hurts to check it out. a ipod to gain vs. nothing but a few minutes to lose........

I did blockbuster online for a month and have kept it cuz i like it. Lynette from my work did walmart online ($1 trial for a week) and canceled after a week.

CHECK IT OUT!!!

HERE'S THE LINK.

http://ipods.freepay.com/?r=15517223

ANOTHER WAY OF PUTTING IT

2005-11-28T21:28:00.000-08:00

DO A LITTLE OF THIS
RECIEVE THIS
DO THIS!!!!

2005-11-22T23:49:00.000-08:00

Name: BT------------------------------------Name: Suave
Born name: Brian Transeau-----------------Born Name: Clay Johnsen
Profession: DJ/Song Writter----------------Med Student/Song Writter
Website:www.btmusic.com-----------------www.xanga.com/wigtrip

"Your honor, clearly the pictures above prove that Mr. Clay Johnsen, also known as Suave, Suavichimo, and Boobs, singer, songer writter, and rootbeer conniseur, is actually the same person as BT, the pioneer of trance music, and talented house and techno composer. The pictures speak for themselves. No Further Questions your honor."

PS. THE LINK BELOW IS A MUST SEE. MAKES TRANSFORMERS DEFINATELY MEET THE EYE!

http://www.crapville.com/video_holder.asp?ID=410

2005-11-20T22:41:00.000-08:00

and here we go with another entry.

-thought of the day: okay, everyone quintessential core is simple: meeting personal needs and wants. so it's made me wonder..... do people really love and like anyone or anything? or do we just love/like what an intermediary is doing for us/making us feel?....... ex: do you love your dog or cat, or do you love how "little snickles" makes you feel???? Is humanity inevitably inherernly shelfish? i'm kinda divided on this thought. okay, i know this is a totally scattered thought, but still......... any comments????

-new bands i've been into: portishead, tao of groove, funky technician, caia, bliss, brazilian girls, dj sasha.

-song of the day: Maybe- tao of groove. CHECK IT OUT!!! It's really good.

-Movies of the month: *one day in september (documentary about the murder of the israli olympic team in the 1972 olympics. spielberg's movie "Munich" will be in theaters next month about the israli reaction to these murders ie, the covert assassinations of the terrorists involved in the murderes.) *New York Doll (A Documentary about Arthur "Killer" Kane. This movie is such a trip, very well made. i hope it does well)

-Kanye West is opening for U2 next month. Am I the only one who thinks that is completly random.

(Stuart you may be interested in this) Jessica S. called me out of the blue, she lives in Arizona now, but we talked for like an hour and she told me that she thought i wasn't interested in her last year, crazy. I'm going to meet up with her when i visit Emily in San Fran in Februray.

-Lets talk about Clay. Megan is great. I put my stamp of 100% approval on her. she is beautiful, smart, and I think she's a little be enigmatic at times for suave which keeps him on his feet. A good challenge.

-Finished the book complications by Atul Gwande. This book is an important read not just for people who are planning on going into medicine, but rather for anyone who could potentially be in a hopital at some point in their life, oh wait, yeah that would be everyone.

-Going to go to the Sabastiao Salgado gallery this week. should be really good. its about the refugee camps in africa i think. He is such an amazing photographer. speaking of Photography the picture above i took last week from the front yard of my appartment. was happy with the result.
http://www.terra.com.br/sebastiaosalgado/

-Last comment. I put in 71 hours at work last week. Insane I know, but i just wish i could see accounting freak out with my overtime pay. ha.

------------Erik

2 POINTS OF INTEREST

2005-11-03T16:27:00.000-08:00

1. IT REALLY IS NOT THAT DIFFICULT TO PUBLISH PHOTOS. (THANKS TRISTA FOR THE FYI'S)

2. I REALLY CAN TAN IF I WORK ON IT.

(THATS MY DJ MIXER IN THE LEFT OF THE PHOTO.

middle eastern global music links

2005-10-18T21:44:00.000-07:00

New Links
Ishtar Alabina http://www.alabina.info/
Niyaz http://niyazmusic.com/
Carmen Rizzo http://www.carmenrizzo.com/
Vas http://www.vasmusic.com/
Axiom of Chioce http://www.axiomofchoice.com/

2005-10-13T11:36:00.000-07:00

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab... I've been driving a hearse the the last 25 years."

I value contributing to make the world better/lives better.

2005-10-12T03:57:00.000-07:00

http://gprime.net/video.php/presidentialspeechalist

2005-09-19T11:37:00.000-07:00

I THINK I SEE FEAR IN YOUR EYES. AND SOMETIMES I KNOW YOUR HEART IS FULL OF MALAISE. --"TRANS FATTY ACID" LAMB (http://www.gorecki.co.uk/home/)

Yes, i have decided that i need to take some vacation a'la moment. on the list is either Portland/Seattle. It's been 2 years already since Marissa and i went. LOVED IT!! Such an amazing place. Also on the list of possibilites is San Fransico, or Las Vegas.

The net result of all your decision becomes what you ultimately are, right. That kinda kills me somethimes because if you think about that and try to live accordingly, ultiamtely you are second doubting everything you do to selfishly become what you envision yourself to be. but the contrary of that is, if never think about where your decisions are taking you, then you may very well end up somewhere you never want to be. too much analysis.

So i think i really hurt a girl i care a lot about this summer, and that really makes me feel badly, but it was not intentional. sometimes you can't predict where relationships will end up. "This above all else, to thine own self be true" --brutus JULIUS CESAR.

Love and ambivilance seem to go hand in hand in infancy. She definately has me thinking a lot about her. I soooo hate opening up again. You know the vulneribilty and complications that come with making your life more enriched.

Finished another book. The Devil and Daniel Silverman by Theodore Roszak. I dunno living in what many people would consider to be an extremist religious state, i found the book to be hilarious and very similar to sentiments i've had living in Salt Lake. here is the basic setting for the book. "danny Silverman's first novel reached #10 on the new york times bestseller list, but that was 20 years ago. now he's just making ends meet when he gets a mysterious offer that he can't refuse: a speaking gig in a minnesoda bible college that will net him a small fortune. Why me?, Silverman wonders, but the: Why not? What can gappen? Only a record-breaking snowstorm that traps him under the same roof as the evangelical Christian faculty who see this gay, jewish writer from San Francisco as the incarnation of the Anti-Christ"
http://www.fantasticfiction.co.uk/authors/Theodore_Roszak.htm

Here is a really interesting article by him too. food for thought on the role of computeres and information today.
http://aurora.icaap.org/archive/roszak.html

Anything else?..... Ummm I got a job at a bagel shop and worked there for one whole day. A new record for me. I dunno. i hated it. it was just extra money for me. ha. kinda funny though.

Later everyone.

---erik

2005-09-12T14:27:00.000-07:00

when i was in new york in july one of the highlights was going to the 'world famous' Apollo Theater for amatuer night. it was very memorable. i mean how often do you run into such an influx of unadulterated talent, and lack of that you get to literally 'boo' off stage. if in New York, i recommend hitting it. http://www.apollotheater.com/index.asp anyways, one of the opening songs was a song that i really like, of which the title thereof was amiss to me. i finally found it. i figured it was worth mentioning on my blog. (not that's an obsure song, but it's really smooth and beautiful)

---Mario...'let me love you

so, here's is some food for thought. 1. epigenetics and mirror neurons. www.brucelipton.com http://www.everything2.com/index.pl?node=mirror%20neurons http://www.autismmidtenn.org/html/modules.php?op=modload&name=News&file=article&sid=90

2. string theory. http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/nova/elegant/ this kinda blew me away when i found out about it. a basic premise of it is that gravity is easily overtaken by other forces such as friction, electricity, magnetivity... because gravity is being shared by surrounding perhaps overlapping universes. pretty interesting stuff. check it out/reply

finally, in the wake of the new orleans crisis, while very desolate situation, i've been very impressed with sen. Barack Obama from Illinois. i saw an interview with him and he kinda revived some sort of hope of confidence in political leadership.
http://obama.senate.gov/

2005-09-12T13:46:00.000-07:00

2005-07-28T13:08:00.000-07:00

yes, i've been gone from my blog for awhile.

so here are a few updates.

-i was a good samaritan of sorts the other day, saw this attractive mid 30ish aged woman with obvious car problems. and me with my auto-incompetance actually found the problem, and fixed it, (bad alternator....jumped the battery). as a result she gave me a free massage at her salon: www.fourwindshealing.com pretty cool. going there today if i can.

-need to write an essay today 3-5 pages on a book about the aztec account of how cortez conquered/conquested present day mexico. pretty brutal really.

"our enemy (cortez) siezed all of our possessions, they gathered up everything they could find and loaded it into the ships in great bundles. they stole our cloaks, blankets, food and meat, gold, silver, and melted our statues and art into metals for their greed...
many of our warriers were killed outright; others drowned because they were too crippled by their wounds to swim away. the water was red with the blood of the dead and dying. those who were hit by the steel arrows were also doomed; they died instantly and sank to the bottom of the lake."

-finally beat star wars episode 3 on x-box. game is insanely cool.
www.lucasarts.com/ep3/

-food for thought:

why do some people seem to have inherintly addictive personalites, or do all people have addictive personalites.

the art of yoga, what do you call someone who is not a "guru" ie teacher, just a student.....
a yogi? a yogeiro? a yogurt?

discuss

-erik

p.s here's some good workout music/dance music/rave music/party music/whatever you so want it do be music:

http://www.sickpuppydog.com/cds.php

enjoy the summer heat, it doesn't last forever. "there is only now" -rent

-erik

2005-06-27T14:27:00.000-07:00

http://www.milkandcookies.com/links/12491/

And here it is for all.

2005-06-21T15:59:00.000-07:00

So yeah, life has been chill lately. Much to contrary belief it is possible to have a good time in the summer and still go to summer school. I mean, i put my pants on every morning just like everyone else, one leg at a time. The only difference, once they're on i put out Gold Albums. Speaking of gold, I'm sporting a new hair style---the feux-hawk. never had it before, digging it. Makes me more of a workout psycho. Running with a feux-hawk is like Reagan's trickle down theory on vitamin E. Not really dating anyone right now, so why not let my hair style do what it wants. Working out. doing dirty 30's, preaching my bi's out. Got a 70 minute demo from my friend dj flobee. (he dj at vortex). Learning how to do poi better. ummmmmm. considereing going to Seattle and British Columbia with some friends. We will booking tickets on friday or saturday. We'll see if i can pull it off. May move out next month. not really thrilled about the living arrangements, but its cheap and a fine place. So i guess things are good, I could use a little more cowbell though.

2005-06-21T15:56:00.000-07:00

there is only one prescription.

2005-06-17T12:35:00.000-07:00

ALL HAIL THE THIEF

WHAT MORE CAN I SAY

SHADOWS OF OURSELVES

http://www.thieverycorporation.com/video.htm#

2005-06-05T14:25:00.000-07:00

Song of the day: "Fall in a River" by Badly Drawn Boy.

The weekend was fun. Well, more correctly friday was uneventful, and saturday was eventful. I found out about a few ROR's. (Relationships on Rocks). Got into kinda a tiff with a friend. Did a double at work, made good money and managed to get out there in time to take advantage of the saturday yet. Visited my cousin, who was PUI (Partying under the influence) and by the time i left was PUIW (you can figure out that one i think). What can i say, everyone longs for bliss. who am i to get didactic on how people find it.

Suave told me about a party in provo. Sean also invited me to go to a party that he was throwing. I met up with Suavichimo and we chilled at the party for awhile. We were kinda thinking about taking off even though the party was just getting going (about 150 people there). I said, 'look Clay, my buddy sean is throwing a party, lets drop by' So I called Shanzi up, turns out that we were AT his party. HA. It was a good time. I'm not used to the bubble really, so i really got a rise out of suave introducing me to friends, and then being introduced to the same people again with Sean. A compliment to cool people though. right. What was also funny was to be working with Jarem earlir in the night, and to run into Jarem at the party. Both of us were like "Dude what are you doing here?" The coincidence of salt lake people running into each other in Provo, slim to nil.

Speaking of Nil. USA is going to the world cup. Yes, the game world cup qualifiying game was held at my school's stadium (Rice Eccles Stadium, University of Utah). USA beat Costa Rica 3-Nil. 45,000 people in attendance. Wish I could have been at the game last night, to see Bealey, Donovan, McBride.... work the boots, but the next best thing, was to have a buddy there texting me at while i was at work. Goodluck USA-----------Germany 2006.

2005-06-03T14:39:00.000-07:00

Anyone wondering if i'm still alive?..... Answer: Yes, oh yes.

Word of the day: Onomatopoeia- (noun) words that imitate the sound they denote

Song of the day: "when i goosestep" by The Shins

Novel of the day: The House of God

Quote of the day: the fat man "i soon had an emergency in the E.R. I panicked. I sought out the fat man, who was in the TV room immersed in The Wizard of Oz. Nibbling at a salami, he was singing along with the flick. "because because because because because of the wonderful things he does. We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful Wizard of Ozzzz......." It was difficult to interupt him. I thought it peculiar that he'd take an interest in something as playful as Oz, but i soon found out that his interest was, like many of his interests, perverted:
"Do it," Fats muttered, "do it to Dorothy with the oil can. Spin her around on your hat, Ray, spin her around on your hat."
-----excerp The House of God

md/do vocab 101:
tern- intern
buff- to polish to make look good, as in Buffing a car, Buffing a chart, Buff a gomer; part of 'buff and turf'
gomer- acronym 'get out of my emergency room' "a human being who has lost--often through age---what goes into being a human being" (the fat man).
gomere- feminine of gomer
turf-to get rid of, as turf a gomer to urology; ofter precided by a buff, as in 'buff and turf'; occasionally ollowed by a bounce, as "i turfed my gomere to urology, but she bounced back to me" according to the fat man, to buff and trum is the essence of the delivery of medical care the concept of the revolving door.
Bounce- to return to: "I buffed and turfed her to urology, but she bounced back to me."
LOL in LAD: acronym "Little Old Lady in No Apparent Distress; not a gomer.
Dr. Jung's Anal Mirror: allegedly the fat man's "great american medical invention" alloweing the user to view his or her own anus "in the privacy of the home"
M and M- morbidity and mortality; a regularly scheduled conference of the medical hierarchy at which mistakes are aired. ie a chance for the higher up to grill the lower down.
Q.E.D.- Quod Erat Demonstrandum, "which was to be demonstrated," "Thus"
Sieve: an intern in the Emergency room who admist too many patients, who does not "Buff and Turf" patients out to the street (the process known as 'meet 'em and street 'em). The opposite of a wall
Wall- an intern in the emergenty room who keeps patients from being admitted to the hospital, mainly by the turn known as (meet 'em and street 'em)
vagitch- itch in the vaginal region; non specific; common.

2005-05-21T08:13:00.000-07:00

Houston/Impressions of the Wedding

1. I spent 3 days here and somehow in that time I've done nothing, and now I'm leaving.
2. Weddings are not vacations.
3. How in seeing everyone, it seems like i haven't actually talked to anyone. "Guy, what's going
on..... where've you been all day?" "Oh man, I've been......"
4. Frogs in jars are so freaking wierd!
5. Especially at 5 am.
6. "yeah, When Anakin...." "No no no, I've haven't seen episode 3 yet!"
7. Bikini bottoms definately look better on women. Ask Travis, I'm positive he'd agree.
8. Wedding Pictures are a Bitch.
9. Wedding Pictures are seriously a Bitch.
10. Wedding Pictures in 2000 degree weather in Houston are ummmmm a Bitch.
11. I still haven't found my point of reference.... Dorre. Everything looks familiar, yet I'm still
still directionless.
12. My Limerick was Awesome and they didn't read it. hmm. I guess they thought it was
inappropriate.

Memorable Quotes

"Relationships are so wierd, I mean Jocelyn and Jon, they've known each other for what, like 8 months now and they're married. I've known clark for 11 years. how are we not married."
-----don

"This family is fucking chaos. I hate familes!"
----Zane

"It is one thing to want the bosom, it is another to have the bosom."
----Guy

"k Cassandra, 1, 2, 3, agrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr, Cassandra, you're not doing it."
----Clay

"Here carry this Box So Gail can carry it."
----A. Julie

"Man, I love you, like man, seriously love you."
----Stu

"Jocelyn and Jon, I forgot the goshdarn lines...., something about doing something to children."
----Don

"WAAAAAAAAAAAA."
----Josh. damn that baby cries loud!!!!!

"Oh, it was so funny what josh did the other day........" "Oh it was so cute the other day josh....." "Sometimes josh........"
----Jenny

"concha, it is so fucking hot right now." ----guy, "hey can we please refrain from using the 'f' word." -----erik "what concha?" -----guy

"You pet me and then you leave." ---Cassandra

"I appologize if I was ever that annoying. Was I that annoying?" ----Clark

2005-05-17T14:52:00.000-07:00

This entry is brought to you by The Shins.

"So Says I "

"An address to the golden door I was strumming on a stone again Pulling teeth from the pimps of gore when hatched A tragic opera in my mind... And it told of a new design In which every soul is duty bound To uphold all the statues of boredom therein liesThe fatal flaw of the red ageBecause it was nothing like we'd ever dremt Our lust for life had gone away with the rent we hated And because it made no money nobody saved no one's life.So we burned all our uniforms And let nature take its course again And the big ones just eat all the little ones That sent us back to the drawing board.In our darkest hours We have all asked for some Angel to come Sprinkle his dust all around But all our crying voices they can't turn it around And you've had some crazy conversations of your own.We've got rules and maps and guns in our backs But we still can't just behave ourselves Even if to save our own lives so, says I, WE ARE A BRUTAL KIND.Cuz this is nothing like we'd ever dremt Tell Sir Thomas More we've got another failed attempt Cuz if it makes them money they might just give you life this time."

Life lately has been Great! Last Week: Sean and i saw the shins put on an incredible show. If you didn't already know, yes, i'm obsessed with this band of late. That was on wednesday.

Thursday: Suave and I saw Keane perform. Also a great show. Different croud that i'm used to for the majority of concerts that i've been to. Some Brandon guy and his band opened for keane. He said his band was known as the 'stiff riffs' or something. Clay and I understood it to be the 'stiff tissues' so we actually were yelling that. It was actually funny because people were not making noise so at one point I yelled 'Brandon I love you' yeah, some random GUY yelling he loves him. Not only did he hear it, it kinda frazzled him. he was like, 'um this next single, or it's not really a single, um, nevermind, here it goes.' it was hilarious. If you are in the midst of some 4000 people and the band can actually make out things people are saying 1. that is pathetic, 2 that is really hilarious. When Keane actually got out on stage though the crowd got loud, which was good.

Friday morning Clay, Russ and I left for Moab. Aaron met us down there that night. We biked slickrock, and Porcupine Rim. respectively 12 and 18 miles. I loved it, but yes, i definately got WORKED! We had a really good time though. We meant to get a hotel room on friday night, but seriously everything was gone. I mean EVERYTHING!! We couldn't even get a hostle. Aaron, by grace, was passing the last exit in Price when we called and was able to get us sleeping bags for $10. Not only that but they were the last 4 on the shelf. We ended up sleeping in back of the church in Moab. But all things considered, I think it ended up pretty well. The Bags were pretty confortable, and freaking 10 Bucks. Saturday night we got a room though.

Enjoy the Pix!

2005-05-17T14:50:00.000-07:00

Clay & Russ At Eddie McStiff's

2005-05-17T14:48:00.000-07:00

Post Slick Rock

2005-05-17T14:41:00.000-07:00

Slick Rock

2005-05-02T12:14:00.000-07:00

Okay, so its here we go on an update people.

First of note, the template. Yeah, i know my template kinda changes like the windy city's weather, but i think this one is to last for awhile.

Finals..... took my geograbate final on friday. Pulled a 92%. not bad, especially for really only opening the book once all semester, that being the night before the test. two finals tomorrow, one on thursday. Gotta get a 97 on my bio final to pull an 'a' but only a 57 or above for a 'b'. talk about margins! So ready to get this semester overwith. I'm ready for summer, even though i'm going to be taking summer classes (gen chem and physics).

Speaking of summer. right now its 75F blue skies. nice! I also realize that I need to get back into the workout thing too. This summer I'm going to pick up mountain biking again, and also sculling if possible. I have no excuse not to, its a fun sport. I have the money, and who has the time, just gotta make it happen.

Concerts. Missed out on the Brit-Malay who lives in the states. ie DJ Rap. she was at the velvet room, it would have been a good drum and bass concert. oh well. Have tickets for the shins, and keane. Those are both in good venues too. should be fun.

Enjoy the summer. more to come as life so colloquially spoken "happens"

Later, E.

2005-05-02T11:42:00.000-07:00

Okay, how cool is this site. http://www.bibliomania.com/bibliomania-static/index.html

yeah, I'm kinda a nut for good literature. but, i mean seriously, you can read entire novels of classics online.....for free. so, basically that is rad.

2005-04-24T12:30:00.000-07:00

What is it about the need for doing things right or proper? ie. If you get married, you have showers and bachelor parties. A good friend just had his "bachelor party" over the weekend. Which basically composed of 30 sum odd guys, majority of whom didn't know each other. Yes, this was a clean b party. 2 blow up dolls being the worst. Overall, way too much testosterone in one area. Being the cynic I am, i walked away from it thinking......have i outgrown fraternal rapport, or is it really just a just an ostentacious morrey? The answer is, i dont know. I just concluded that i'm never going to get married if I'm that sad to see bachelorhood pass by, or I just not going to have a bachelor party. I guess that i've been to one to many b.p's. So, comments on bachelors parties anyone I'm I off the mark here or not..........

2005-04-18T12:06:00.000-07:00

So i finally got my posts working correctly. Nada new. I can't participate in the 4.5 research study. Would have been nice, but I guess its for the best. (At least I can take all of my finals) So i'm ready for this semester to be over. Really ready. I ready to get done with college for that matter. The idea of taking 2 sciences over the summer is less than appealing. What is it? Have I outgrown college...where classes that i normally would enjoy i know despise, or is it really that the classes are idealistic at best. I can probably be done with college by the end of next summer if i do summer school this sum and next. Probably worth it.... we'll see.

this enrty is really dull. ha. oh well, it is what it is.

Trivia: Who was the co-producer of the following films: Garden State, Along Came Polly, Erin Brockovich, Man on the Moon, Gattaca, Get Shorty, Reality Bites (among others)?????

Danny DeVito. This short, eccentric yes talented man....has made funded and supported some of my favorite films....In essence made them happen. As the majority of indy films do not get the funding and the script falls through the cracks.

2005-04-17T13:12:00.000-07:00

You are the winner in our eBay Auction for: SEALED KODAK LS753 5MP DIGITAL ZOOM CAMERA W/ TWO BONUS.

Not bad for only paying $150 dollars. I've needed a d-cam for a long time now. Hopefully stu will give me his palm pilot too. gadget are nice. in all sense of the word.

Today is sunday. and its a nice day. really nice. as far as i know its the hottest its been this year.

Salt Lake Real won. 1-0. Matheson has the mohawk back. Team USA will host Costa Rica soon. Proper football!!! Hell yes. I was in Asia at the time of the last world cup (2002). Unbelievable! I choose football over american football hands down. Proper football & hockey.

I'm still here

2005-04-13T10:55:00.000-07:00

"She may be weary, women do get weary, wearing the same shabby dress. And when she's weary, try a little tenderness. She may be waiting, just anticipating, things she may never possess. and while she's without them, try a little tenderness. Its not just sentimental, she has her grief and her care, but a word, so soft and gentle, makes it easier to bear, you wont regret it, women don't forget it. Love is the home to happiness, and its all so easy, try a little tenderness. But a word soft and gentle makes it easier to bear. you wont regret it. Women don't forget it. Love is their happiness, and its all so easy, just try a little tenderness. You've gotta try, hyou've gotta hold her, you've gotta squeeze her. you gotta try to please her, you wont you wont regret it. Try A Little Tenderness."

Michael Buble on the Late Show

http://michaelbuble.com/

How do you beat his sound?!! michael Buble! When i walked in the Virgin Megastore in Times Square a massive banner was hanging of this smooth, nicely dressed, quasi-sultry looking gq guy....I wondered, who is this guy, what type of music does he do....? While i was in New York i bought 2 cds that i was just mesmorized by.....Michael Buble (who sang the above song "trya little tenderness" revised from otis redding. Tori Amos "The Beekepper" And i should have bought Chris Botti.

http://www.chrisbotti.com/music.html

Turntables: last night I mixed Rabbit in the moon "Blue Sky" feat Tori Amos to Paula Cole "Deamon in me" I thought i was pretty triqsy. There is a dj competition aka a "spin off" starting next month. its a national competition starting on a local level. should be pretty cool to attend. I'm hoping to pick up some better scratch and loop techniques. http://guitarcenter.com/spinoff/index.cfm

Yeah, so the other day at work was pretty much surreal. Still kinda surprised that i lost it so badly. But in a way at least i'm alive. At least i'm not dead. At least blood and feeling is still reverberating in my being. While I generally try to be quite thick skinned and composed....ya know what , I'm fucking human. And cheers to that, i want to embrace the time on this silly planet that currently have. Before the grave I'm going to make some bad choice, some stupid mistakes, some triumphs, and some apathetic blaze moments, but more than anything, i just want to embrace what i have....and for now, i'm still alive, still ticking, still here. Thank God for that. Thank God that I'm me, whoever the hell that is. Today is today. I'm still here.

2005-04-11T21:52:00.000-07:00

Tonight I broke down. I guess it just seemed too much. Everything. So much, too much, just too overcome. Depression mixed with so much build frustration and under appreciation. I couldn’t hold it in. His cruel vibe was exactly like hers and so many other peoples’ who work. I couldn’t control myself. I haven’t cried in years, I don’t think I’ve ever cried public. I guess I thrive on being stoic, maybe it’s the ingrained Dane in me. I couldn’t stop the tears. I lost it I lost it not to be regained again. I felt so much. I felt sadness, I felt anger, I felt built up years of the being the manipulated, taking, taking taking, I felt the burn of salt water in my eyes, I felt my heart unnumbing itself, losing control. I felt dead and alive through hate, despise, contempt, and acrimonious apoplexy. I felt more than I could handle. I wanted nothing more than to just stop feeling anything. Am I really this victim? Isn’t everyone?! I tell myself no, and I’ve done it for years at my work….last night it was apparent that for all my self mastery doldrum, I’m lying to myself daily at where I am at my job. I’m an adolescent at my work….I’m untrusted, and I’m juvenile, and the extra hours and effort I impart isn’t going to change the way people view me. Socially I may be happy with the way that people view me, but the thing is I don’t socialize with my work associates in my free time, and the majority I wouldn’t even want to, and the main reason I’m content with my social image is because people see me as multi-faceted and mercurial. So for all my boss preaches about making the job more than just an outlet for money, does it really matter if I do more. Can I really change what she already thinks about me….the nit picking, the contempt, condescension, the mistrust… Do people ever change their pre-conceived ideas….. Not really. I don’t really know if I can go back there. There is a limit to the amount of shit that I can put up with. Three years of giving not just what is asked by the job….I gave myself, I want to make the scene light, I want people to like each other, I want good feelings, I want to treat people the best possible…for people to be honest, fair, and descent. I’ve tried to live by these attributes, tried to be what I preach; down to earth, honest, kind, descent… I’ve made myself far too vulnerable. Fuck it. Its not worth it…. 3 years is enough to pretty much affirm what I thought I could overcome. Thinking of going back there makes me physically want to vomit. I feel hate and contempt. I feel anger. Do I feel finished there….in a way yeah, I don’t see myself being viewed correctly…I’m tired of being compulsively and adamantly untrusted and unappreciated, I’m tired of being manipulated (“help help help” when I need it, miss school, change your plans, but fuck you don’t help…..I’m going to hold a grudge and put you into my bad book…..you’re life is not priority….its me me me, and oh yeah, don’t even consider a thank you, and if you make one mistake on a shift you take against you will to help….well you’ll be in my office). Sigh….. yeah, I really don’t know if I can go back. I just feel like that company has given this worker the abject short end of the stick. Basically it hurts because i care. I care about people having positive experiences. I care about making my workplace better than walls and a kitchen. I care about making a reflection of more than just myself. I care about people...but i'm not a doormat. People see what they want to see. cheers.

Children, born without a chance of life

2005-04-11T14:25:00.000-07:00

tragedy i can't deal with:

Children, born without a chance of life. every 3 seconds a child dies from starvation. STARVATION! In a time when there is more technology than ever before, more food than ever before, there is more starvation than ever before.
Health Care and Nutrition
Measles, malaria and diarrhea are three of the biggest killers of children yet all are preventable or treatable
More than 30 million children in the world are not immunized against treatable or preventable diseases
95 percent of all the people who get polio are under the age of 5
HIV/AIDS has created more than 14 million orphans 92 percent of them live in Africa
Six million children under five die every year as a result of hunger Education
134 million children between the ages of 7 to 18 have never been to school.
Girls are more likely to go without schooling than boys in the Middle East and North Africa, girls are three times more likely than boys to be denied education
For every year of education, wages increase by a worldwide average of 10 percent
Educated mothers tend to send their children to school, helping to break the cycle of poverty Exploitation
In the last decade, more than 2 million children have died as a direct result of armed conflict
More than 300,000 child soldiers are exploited in armed conflicts in over 30 countries around the world
2 million children are believed to be exploited through the commercial sex trade
Approximately 246 million children work
171 million children work in hazardous conditions.

yes, i can't solve the problems of the world, some seem more futile than others, but one thing is for damn sure.....i want to be on the side of love, not more hate. i want to be on the side of sustainance, not exploitation. I want to be on the side of compassion not obstinance.
Can i give my time.....my time is worth more to my future right now than i can give.
Does $50 make a difference. Its the most i can afford right now. I want nothing to do with a feeling of regret and guilt that i could have done more and didn't. Everyday i live i exude a feeling that is transcedent to the whole third world to the whole 1st world. I want to make a difference. I'd rather die an idealist than a selfish cynic.

http://www.careusa.org/campaigns/world-hunger/facts.asp

Sarah Mclachlan "World On Fire" music video

http://www.makepovertyhistory.org/index.html

http://www.makeadifference.org/

2005-04-03T09:41:00.000-07:00

so the big question is... what the bleep do we know valid or not? was it created out of ulterior motives? did it say anything beyond my comprehension of belief? valid.....possibly, at least to an extent that we want it to be. motives.....It was funded by the Ramtha cult, the leader of which was one of the "experts" which were interview by the filmmakers. No ulterior motives? well what in the world doesn't have ulterior motives.
Christopher columbus and the armada.....invisible because of lack of ability for indiginous people to process such new information....unlikely. The underlying point is that our minds are selective in what they processes, basically in a self serving way. This has been proven time over.....ask any anorexic if he/she is fat!
water crystals: we're told they were "stored" overnight..... um, yeah they were frozen, sortof an important detail in how they crystalized. but regardless its prokovative, and has a positive postulate.

overall, is it worth spending a blog entry or not......does it closely relect quantum physics....

we believe what we want to believe, even though there is ultimate truth. imo.

2005-03-25T14:34:00.000-08:00

U of U professor, Dr. Doug Jones is inervate F*#*ing idiot and anthopology is a masterbatory science at best.

In other news. Started The Brothers Karamazov Doestoyevsky.

As of today Bush's approval rating is the lowest its ever been at 45% (USA Today 3/25/05).......
"The new poll found that the largest drop for Bush came among men, self-described conservatives and churchgoers." Irronic that it was the bible belt that got Bush reelected. Big surprise, The White House declined to comment. Personally, no i don't hate Bush, I just think he embodies arrogance, ignorance, impotence, and false piety and basically he's the great satan. cheers.
http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/multimedia/foolbush.mov

2005-03-24T12:53:00.000-08:00

Don't chase goes, don't get too close, don't get caught, dont get spent, don't get bored, don't sell out, don't get bent, don't f*** your best friend. if everything is just the way it should be, why am i still hungry.... Don't be shy, don't shut your eyes, don't get high. expend your mind, don't keep in touch, don't ever wanna be somebody else, when everything is bad don't ever be angry. Be like water. Oderless, tastless, insipid. Ever moving, neither forward nor back. Not a slave nor master to the inevitable life of the unknown. neither whole nor broken. The someone who ultimatle hides from the unknown answer. If everything is just the way it should be why am i still numb, senseless, cohension of suppresion. I can't be that someone who can be like water.

Lets talk freud shall we. Granted he was ahead of his time, but his social explanation (dare i say possible social dementia) does not seem to keep pace with time even though so many of his views are still phychological acceted ethos, which is fine and good, but i propose....take it in stride, how can you accept all of Freud. So for all of the staunch Frued proponent take this for thought....According the Freud: Women are perpetually envious of me. How is this you ask? As children, girls discoverd that they did not have a penis and become extremely jelous, only to be remedied upon the birth of their first son, which comes from thier bodies therefore releasing the envy. So what about men you ask? Boys also discovered they had a little extra sum-sum, everythings cool right? Negatory....Men forever live in fear of losing their 'sum-sum.'
So....comments anyone. Yeah, i can respect the fact that freud was brave enough to say what he though/believed. (at the time of his first published book only 13% of the population of Austria accepted what he wrote The Interpretation Of Dreams). Also, there was a lot of pshychology that at the time was unfounded, so what now seems redicuous, and perhaps is rediculous, was at the time a worthwhile hypothesis. comments anyone?

On a brighter note, for a good laugh check out the following link: best virals 2004 http://www.ifilm.com/ads/asl/fullscreen/index.jsp?uri=/bigpicture/bestvirals2004&
Worthwhile song: Frou Frou "Hear Me Out"

2005-03-21T12:17:00.000-08:00

Back from New York. Time and Money well spent. But there was nothing there to indicate that it was spring. Unless you consider 30 degree weather spring.

lately i've felt like more of a bio geek than ever. I'm reading about the immune system and how it deals with foreign microbes, bacterias, viruses.... and i find myself treating it like its some kind of thriller. "yea, kill 'em!" The Human Immune system is pretty incredible. I mean any specialized cell that can remember threats for decades of time is pretty sophisticated biology and chemistry.

new song obsession: Keane "Snowed Under" www.keaneband.com I'm going to see Keane in concert in May. I bought 2 tickets compulsively after finding out that they have a gig in salt lake. No clue who i'll be going with. but one thing is certain. I'll be there. Great band.

Movie recommendation: Sideways. how do you beat this tagline: In search of wine, in search of women, in search of themselves.

My med life course seems to be going well, I joined AMSA (american medical student association) and i'm working on getting some volunteer opportunities with research and hospital e.r. Kinda cool when you feel like your life is heading somewhere that you intend for it to go. Espeically when you've muddled so much with "Now that I'm here, what the hell should i do with rest of my life?"

2005-03-12T20:52:00.000-08:00

NEW YORK. SPRING BREAK. A CITY OF ENERGY ON THE NON-STOP SUBWAY OF LIFE.

2005-03-07T08:56:00.000-08:00

Finance test. Overwith. Test result: Pending
Geography Test. Overwith. Test Result. c+. (two was of looking at this grade. one, unacceptable....gotta study more. or two. not bad, for never attending, and cramming last minute. overall though, i gotta do better in a class that is inane)
Biology test. Overwith as of......half an hour ago. Test Result: Pending. Comment: What the hell is a p53 protein, and what does it have to do with adenoviruses and cancer. I took a guess at it. After the fact, adenovirus causes respiratory infections and pinkeye, aka the common cold. i guessed that the cancer cell was reproducing without somatic cell code, p53 protein is stopped or killed by engineered adenoviruses.

Other news. The weekend. pretty, pretty, pretty yea good. i went on 2 dates. one with a girl of who's name i know not. good date: lunch and conversation. she likes stephen king, and is well read, going into english, is a writer, travels a lot, is from portland, and is going to hawaii in a few months. cool girl. I also went out with Kimberly, cute girl. We really clicked. To bad its a long distance relationship. Well she's in salt lake right now, so i guess its not long distance for this week. I also seem to find unavailable girls...Marissa, Courtney, Janet, Bethany. HA. oh well, 'a vida seja a vida'

song of the day: Red Dust, by Zero 7.

2005-03-04T11:37:00.000-08:00

Life has crazy twists and turns. Where I am now...at the U, pretty much okay all around, then all the sudden hell for a week or two, from finance, to relationships, to car problems, to who knows what else. I guess everything in its right place, everything to teach us something new.... some surprises seem pretty cruel though. Essentially though, its not the problems that define us... its how deal with them. Sorry about the surprises lately ryan. ------e

2005-03-02T08:59:00.000-08:00

Why care about nanotechnology?

"Molecular nanotechnology: Thorough, inexpensive control of the structure of matter based on molecule-by-molecule control of products and byproducts of molecular manufacturing!"

Think about the unlimited options of nano-technology.... nano-medicine, nano-engineering, nano-robotics, nano-cosmosis, nano-surgery, nano-electronics, nano-chemistry, nano-defenese & warfare, nano-survaillance, nano-physics (which is essentially what nano-tech is based on)...

Think about the quintessential dot:

http://www.foresight.org/NanoRev/RalphMerkle.html

2005-02-28T09:05:00.000-08:00

Saturday senario: movie, restaurant, converstation, simple chat, simple stories, simple lies, you know the drill. Sure, it was a pretty good scene, minus an apparent lack of chemistry. She's a great bod, with a good looking face on the side...but this passions out of fashion. 3 months and a time, is time enough to time it out. Ambition is a golddigger, and this digger is no fool, you can take a chance at the drill, but as for me...nothings for free, money don't grow on trees, and i'm a man with plan...so if your not with the ship i'll see you on the flip side. don't forget your floaties.

Strange love addictions:
-5:30am weekdays
-quite with periferal sounds
-techno, drums and bass, electronica, ambient
-talking to telemarketers like you went to junior high with them
-listening to conversations in other languages
-losing out of stubborness
-competing with people who hate to lose
-allowing people who don't typically win to win
-bending rules that others cannot bend
-wierd answering machine messages
-biology

2005-02-23T13:44:00.000-08:00

Feasible: adjective, SLIGHTLY FORMAL able to be made, done or achieved:

to become of my own feasible potential I must first become fully aware of my own tactile senses....In this case, how insane, taking the m-cat in august, applying to med schools, and getting the *#&* out of dodge by august 2006 would be....
exciting, yes, but feasible.... Man o' man.... We'll see. Utah is like fruity pebbles for every meal....For the Utah defenders out there, calma que o brasil e nosso. (calm, brasil is for all of us) I mean seriously, did john Denver die for nothing, I should think not, for real, you ever heard a rooster that crows at midnight, how many red bulls is it going to take. Just take the red eye in the morning and say a silent prayer for world peace in Gambia. DISCUSS.

shifting gears.....

destination: New York City
purpose: spring break bee-otch
company: only the best
cost: mastercard...pays to go into debt!!!!

Speaking of good things to go into debt for..... Travel. It's been about 3 years since i went to Thailand (wow, that's crazy) . Anywho, Go there. Where else in the world are you going to see so much beauty at such a amazing discount price. Riding elephants: 1 hour, in the jungle, up a river, rocks, swamps..... Price: $15. Scuba diving in the most crystal clear emeral colored water with more amazing colors aquatic life than can be articulated. Price: $25 a dive. Bangkok, Chang Mai, Puket.... Go there. you can get tickets for sooo cheap. and its ever cheaper yet exotic when you get there.

Travel Travel Travel. Work Hard, Play Hard.

AND THAT'S ALL THAT I NEED!

2005-02-19T15:25:00.000-08:00

'you say your living the principles of christ but are you really....driving petrolum powered cars, killing innocent arabs, killing the ozone and all the creatures that hurts, killing the Arabs in oil producing dictatorships where everyone is poor, killing the desperate people that poor arab terrorists kill, that's not very nice'

'jesus is never mad at us if we live with him in our hearts.'

'hate to break it to you....he is, he most definately is.'

----i heart huckabees.

http://tommycorn.blogspot.com/

2005-02-07T11:39:00.000-08:00

Weekend: Over
Location: U of U....(down time between classes.)
Weekend Highlights: Hmmmm. well lets see.......My Friends went to a condo at Bear Lake, I stayed home and waited tables. Super Bowl happend....apperently the Patriot won...enough said. It snowed 6 inches.....I was just enjoying the few days of sunshine and blue sky. Analysis of my weekend: Erik is a cynic?...... well yeah, but the conclusion i drew was that "Responsible Erik" won the battle between 'have fun vs. be responsible' Probably the only highlight was my doctor prescribing Lortab for headaches I get. Do I get Migraines? Yes. Will all of the Lortab be used to treat my migrains. "Hmmm.....I guess I'm not at liberty to answer that question at this present moment I can tell you that Lortab is a mild opiate and should never be abused in any circomstance. Next question please."
Weather: Currently amassing more snow to the new 6" base. Grey Skies.
Song of the day: "Granny Zen" by DJ Food.

So yeah, I kept thinking "Ya know, i'm not going to update my blog for awile....until have have some noteworthy events to speak of. Then it hit me like an anvil for floaties......'Um...Erik, your life consists of text books, tests, study, waiting tables, and an occasional abymal date.' " yeah, so after that line of pitiful reasoning i decided to take the time now to do an update. Enjoy the results.

So anywho.....yeah, maybe the weekend could have been a little more fun but overall it was very productive. The bio test is out of the way, hopefully i did well, and I know I did pretty well on my geography and family consumer science test.

In my last blog I noted how rediculous it is to expend unneeded emotional energy on uncontrolled externalities.....like the weather. True. I stand by that theory, but when the weather teases you with 3 beautiful days of sunshine and blue skies, it is a cruel joke to look out the window today. (hold on.....lemme look out the window). yep, that move by mother nature is cold (no pun intended). I can't say that i like the snow, maybe don't hate it persay but I don't enjoy it either. why you ask? well.....let's see. 1. 90 plus weather is better than 34 minus weather. 2. how am i supposed to run, mountain bike, long board, roller blade, play soccer....in the snow? ('carefully' is not an acceptable answer....I'm looking for realisitic answers Captain Brainiac) 3. I'm not into skiing or snowboarding anymore. Once i realized the amount of utility derived form spending 50 dollars to ski or board board does not equal enough utility to make it worth it. (actually it wasn't the thought out.....just done with it...."fun but not that fun" 4. Snow and cold weather tends to make me lazy. I hate being Lazy, life is once, I for one don't intend to waste a day of it.
And there you have it.

Movies i've seen lately:
----Wicker Park. yeah i guess its technically a chick flick, but it definately has its twist and keeps you interested. (Thanks for the recomendation Ryan)
----THX 1138. This is George Lucas's first film. And excruciating difficult to procure. well maybe that's a little overkill explanation, but its not easy to find either.....i had been looking for it for awhile. Great Film. It somewhat resembles a David Lynch style film......very twisted yet a lot more industrial than Lynch does. Psychologically inquisitive, yet thematically disturbing. (man i could review movies.....this is a great explanation). Suspenseful, yet overall enjoyable. And for the majority of the Utah population, me included, yes it is rated R for reason......as much as the original Matrix is 'R'. Yes, Trent Reznor did use the THX film sequence for the intro to the song "Mr. Self Destruct" Interestingly whenever I had heard that song before I thought the sound effect was from a pistol being fired. Nope.
(((For extra credit what is another movie Trent Reznor used in conjunction with the song "Sactified"?........give up? Midnight Express by Oliver Stone. Great Director, Great Film. Midnight Express is one of Reznor's favorite movies. http://www.angelfire.com/goth/prettyhatemachine/trentfacts.html )))
----The Magestic. Good Movie. Especially of you are a fan of Jim Carey. I like his dramatic roles more than his comedic. The magestic is like Second Hand Lions......just a really good warm fuzzy movie to watch. Aka a movie to watch if THX 1138 disturbs you. haha.

And that is all i have for now.....Tchau Tchau Bacalao.

2005-01-25T09:55:00.000-08:00

"It is better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you are not." Andre Gide

Love Gide's quote! don't dream of being, simply be today, and you tomorrow you will be maybe still very far away from you ultimate goal, but at least you closer than yesterday.

Another thought: for all the complaining i hear about the smog, fog, inversion, grey.....you can't control a thing about the weather, so either move, or enjoy the fact the weather is what it is!!

2005-01-21T11:38:00.000-08:00

"Happiness, more or less, is just a change in me, something in my liberty."

Okay, so she's playing a lot of people but why should that mean that i shouldn't benefit from it, to some degree or other. Sinister, maybe, Unethical, maybe, but, worth it?, definatlely. I mean, i was nothing but completly ethical and honest to her, so......i guess were both using eaching other, only i know she's using me, and she doesn't know that i'm using her. Everyone wins right.

Life Life Life... how odd. i mean, i guess i should just be happy to where i am, and i am, but its just so surreal and visceral. Today I'm alive, if i don't enjoy the fog out in the streets today, i'm going to be 40 with little to speak about.

2005-01-20T11:14:00.000-08:00

My sentiments today via Richard Ashcroft.

I feel like each time I open my mouth my every utterence is open to interpretation from every angle, people seem to want me to have all the answers which is impossible. we live in a polarized world ofperception on one hand and reality on the other... its sad how much perception seems to win the battle; I'm amazed at how many journalists that meet me say I'm not as arrogant as they had percieved, just another 59 million conversations and I might start feeling that I'm winning in the UK....then on to the rest of the world.

2005-01-13T17:05:00.000-08:00

A Vida Seja No Momento

I've survived my first week of the new semester.....it's going to be more difficult....which actually doesn't say much--last semester was a breeze. I think i'm going to enjoy this semester though. 13 credit hours, 3 shifts serving, work out five days a week, prioritize study, keep up my literature, save, rock climb, invest.... yeah, i'm going to be busy. I'm glad that i was able to pay for tuition and books flat out. I really worked hard for that.

Hope

Transcended desire, enervated motivation, life, synergy, essence of existance, purpose, direction. I find that i do a lot better in life doing the mundane necessities when i have something that i'm looking forward to. I mean, what gets you up in the morning, obviously there must be some reason. In my case, the overall I suppose i really want to challenge myself to the closest i can become to my perfection, find lasting happiness and fullfilment. Who doesn't want that....yet i look in the world and see so many people, in my life and out, that are just.....disillusion, unmotivated, or lazy. HOW CAN APATHY MAKE YOU HAPPY? It's not my job to judge anyone elses life, but i'm so adamant about making my life better that its kinda frustrating to see people surviving life. Its not difficult to thrive in life, the secret you ask?!! Be Progressive. Complacency really is your greatest enemy. Your unfair boss isn't the problem, the problem is that you not ready to find something better, you weight problem isn't the problem, you problem is that your not making the right sacrifices. Progressives win the game of life. Progressives follow their hearts, progressives ameliorate, progressive make the world better....so why are their not more progressives in the world, you ask?....because people get tired and complacent in the now of where they find themselve's with some form of comfort.

Independance Is Drive, Codependance is Reverse

What is it with people being so hateful when you end relationships, i realize that love exists in healthy relationships, but you must act in your best interests, always. no exceptions. life is short, while this may seem selfish, overall i think its more selfless, why you ask? because when you are happy and content, with holitic feeling, you are more in-tune with yourself AND others. Terry droped me flat, i felt rejection and anger, yet today where i am, i hold nothing but respect. It is difficult to act independantly at times, but its far worse to act codependantly.

Se Voce Pode Ler Isso, Eu Tenha Muito Respeito Pra Voce. O que sinto esse dias e amor de ser vivo. Nao sei aonde a vida minha via no futuro, e de fato, tenho um poco de medo disso, mas posesso coracao, coracao mesmo. Sou grato de estar aqui onde sto agora. Tenho aguentado mutio coisas defiesies de achar de quem eu sou mesmo. Anida sto encontrando isso. Sera que realmente vou ser medico, nao sei, sera que vou encontrar uma mulher que me amelhora, eu melhoro ela, nao sei, sera que vou tornar uma pessoa sem medo e depressao, de novo nao sei, a uniqua coisa que sei e que sinto esperanca e amor, nao quer nada a ver de odeia em minha vida, ate o fim de minha vida quero amar, quero viver com proposito, quero amelhorar, quero sentir paz de alma, e ligacao do que e verdade, quero continuar a aprender em todo lugar de vida quero ajudar a fara com que o mundo se-torna melhor. Se Fazer Isso, Posso Morrer Sem Medo.

2005-01-06T16:48:00.000-08:00

Where exactly did the christmas break go? can't say that i can answer that very effectively, but assuredly it is over. Monday I'm back in the run of classes. I'm ready to get back in college.
Just really want to finish w/ undergrad. I don't dislike school. I dislike busy work. Last semester was great the majority of my classes were interesting and w/ minimal exertion pulled some great grades.

My life is so anti-climatical. I have not been on a vacation outside of my native state of Utah since 2001!! That's we'll i dunno, pathetic if you're a traveler by destiny and default. But I can't really complain, last summer i really had a great time in outdoor recreation. I would love to go somewhere fun, but, i love even more a the feeling of almeliorating my daily situation, making the best decision today, for the best tomorrow possible.

Speaking of which, who I am better than.......no one. Who am i less than........no one. I've come to the conclusion that where you are in life is nothing more than the culmination of mind exertion, decision, and experience. As the icon of the U.S. Postal Cycling team wrote, 'your decisions shape you, whether you like it or not.' I really like that, I love helping people, listening to them, being available, being who i would want to go to if i needed help or consolance, however, it's sad when i can't help someone. You can't help anyone more than the person is willing to help themselves. so was Armstrong right? In my mind, without a doubt, what use do we have comparing or even questioning what should or should not be. What is is. It's really what we do in this moment that is ultimately going to dictate where we will be: dead or alive. Problem free? Problem riden? does it really matter what the boat the person next to you is in? does it change your plight? Make good decisions. That's it, that's all. If i die today, if tomorrow blood ceases to course my veins, will my attitude be "that was not supposed to happen, that was not the way i was supposed to die" or "that caught me by surpise, I'm glad i was living life aggresivesly, i'm glad I had the time that was afforded me" Blaming behavior never comforts, Complacency is more difficult in the long run, and SUPPOSED is a word that would do better out of the dictionary than in. The only supposed in life is to be alive in this moment. Cherish it, becuase tomorrow you going to be 80 looking back on your life calling it the good times, do you really want to have to lie to yourself?

self-degratory conflagragation

2005-01-01T16:26:00.000-08:00

Energy: flows of charge, power, streams of synergy, connections of soul intelligence to what exists in this moment and to what will superscede, transend, and surpass the temporary triumph of mortal life.

what happens to energy? what do you allow to happen to your energy? everyone has an aura of individuality. no one can take what you don't willingly impart to be taken, but how many selfish amoebas pounce at the opportunity every. yes, energy can be taken, however only an individual can reclaim lost energy and identity.

Compassion: stems of love and hate, connections of opposition and transcendence above narrow-minded pompus conclusion, sustainance of the oblivious, sublime succor.

i've fallen too far. and i hate my inaction more than my action. situation is supporting complacency and inaction. but i will make a change in my life.....or i realize one day i will wake up a person weak, alone, and fultuily sad. a person i hate, and want never to be more than i already am. i give much. i love much. but some people intuitively sense that and weaken me. only i can change that. only i can get back what i never meant to give out; myself. I know what i have to do, i've needed to do it my whole life, and will inevitably neede to do it until death claims me its newest victory. That being love and respect yourself enough to confront and demand deserved decency and respect.

2004-12-15T11:00:00.000-08:00

wednesday, 12/15. 12:02 pm
headache. a little tired. long night. everything seems wired. last night was proof that i'm not so down w/ it all. did that really happen. how about taking deja vu to a new level. deja vu: already seen. how about having a recurring dream as a kid about a place that is so completly common place, not really your ideal, but just there. you dream about the place quite often. then later in your life, your older, but your in that dream you dreamed as a kid. 'did i dream this to try to warn myself when i finally get here' 'is this really happening, am i really in my dream?' 'what is real.....i have seriously no clue.' 'holy shit this is strong....omigosh, i just gotta tough this one out, don't want to be a buzz kill for everyone else' '.....well so much for that, sorry i'm just not acclaimated at all to this stuff' 'so what am i doing here' 'this is so deja vu.' 'omigosh, clowns really are freaky. kurt is a freaking clown how did i not realize that earlier.' 'wow i'm am so gone....' 'i'm not doing this stuff anymore' 'this shit is unbeleiveable......am i really even in this moment' 'i should stick to LT only' 'body is good enough' 'wow, everything is so surreal, just thoughts of disconnection to those transmitting life, feeling, energy.' 'improve on you moments, and your whole life will become better, as long as you happy in the moments in which you find yourself.'

Yeah, i know, pretty retarded, but that's how i get. so anyways, about real life, as always gotta make smart decisions. have one more final on friday. how did i get in a class w/ a final on the last freaking day of test. that really sucks. xmas seems short. not that it really bothers me. Where am i in life right now. how did i really get to this point. am i at a good point. what if i had taken a different path. i remember chosing to be a little less subervient. how would my life be then? whatever. i just fear that if there is an afterlife, am i really going to make it. is it going to be great. all these religions and creeds, teaching teaching teaching.....what is the point. how few people talk about what the reward is like. why should i live a strict moral, and substance code? how good is it afterward anyway. guess it can't be as bad is reliving your childhood memories and wondering if your going to make it back into your adult life. ---sigh----what to do with my life..

Talked to Clay. should i really go into med. it's very enticing. i think i would like it.
at least i could provide for my family. business really scares me too. life scares me. who wants to think of themselves are fragile. push come to shove i do. reality frightens me. would med make a good reality to me? i think that i could. if i could help people, and make my life comfortable....still be able to travel, see the world, do hobbies in my pasttime that would not be bad. and it is a contribution to life. its not art. but it is helping people survive, lessen pain. A little apprehensive, but to a degree the idea feels good, feel confortable, 'right' possibly.

2004-12-06T14:34:00.000-08:00

The semester is almost over. What started off as a potentially cool block ended up being rather insipid. Cybergeography were worth my time though. I still need to register for next semester. I've never been good at doing that early. I guess in part because I don't really worry about getting into classes. What is to be, will. que sera, sera!

2004-11-29T15:49:00.000-08:00

So what about the holidays? well, quite simply i don't really care for them. not because i'm trying to rain on everyone's parade, or even because i don't believe in them (which arugably i don't to a large degree), but mainly it's because of all the latent expectations. Have fun, relax, enjoy the times, get into the spirit, consume, expend.... Which generally results in unwanted stress

"IF IT'S BETWEEN EBENEEZER SCROOGE AND BOB CRATCHET...... I CHOOSE BOB MARLEY." -------yes it's by yours truely

The Kid and I had a good time over the holidays though, despite. Which basically comprised of sleep, chill, rest, art, work, socialization, and movie marathon. New film classic everyone.... -'have you ever transcended time and space?' -'space not time......no, i don't know what you're talking about.' -----------'Jesus is never mad at us if we live with him in out hearts' -'Hate to break it to you but he is, he most definately is!'
"I HEART HUCKABEES" Since I don't believe in relating movie plots, all i will say is that it is an existential comedy.

For a material update, looking forward to: XT full suspension bike, 60 gig ipod, new pc, leather italian sofa (the kid knows the style i like), maybe a street bike. and last of all a car. some might wonder why i wouldn't want a car sooner on the list. that being because i'm going to be paying for the car for a long time, so i'd rather get all the shite i want first.

But being responsible, i'm going to get an IRA first. that and get tuition outta the way. speking of which. i have no clue how much college i actually have left. i tell people i have about a year left, but truth be told i'm not really sure exactly how much time i have left. and i don't really care to figure it out. i figure i have about a year left. but as i don't really live my life on a timetable (obviously) that is that.

AND THAT IS ALL I HAVE TO SAY TO YOU TODAY. DA DAH DA DAH. YE-AG-UH-HUH!!

2004-11-22T14:00:00.000-08:00

write paper, write outline, study for test, read 90 pages, write rough draft. What a dumb weekend. Didn't do anything, and didn't even do what i needed to very well. Hate procrastinating, but i really tried to be responsible about it. Want to jump in an icy cold lake, run 10 miles, punish my lungs, feel every nerve in my body to make sure i'm still living for something i desire. Feel the instiable desire to go back to this weekend, make it seem unwasted. Curse life intervals of blah, I hate it when my days pass and my control and disposition seems irrelevent to some conspiring sublime force, bigger, higher than i. I enjoyed basically nothing about this weekend. There is only one thing i don't regret about this weekend, a conversation, short but alive,but it just left me more confused in the aftermath than not. I know this seem like the biggest bitch bitch bitch, but. Damn it, this just was a shitty weekend. stressed, exhuaseted, and a slave to the unforgiving life. I hate it when i feel like i'm on the backburner of my own life. need to better, be better, more productive, no excues. Life holds no mercy for reasons or excuses.

DIAMOND

2004-11-21T17:33:00.000-08:00

You know who are, though I doubt you’ll ever see this. Don’t sell yourself short, because you deserve it all. Introspection is a good thing. I know it hurts, I hurt when you hurt. It all works out though, just a matter of how. You’re so incredible. I’ve always thought that, felt that. You’re such an amazing person; beautiful, so loving, motivated, embracing, inclusive, smart, different, strong, yet compassionate, feminine in every good meaning, social, fun, outspoken, sweet, intuitive. I hope that I’m always there when you need me. I want to be there for you. My arms are open to your tears both of saddeness and happieness. It’s all for the best. Not some ridiculous optimistic view point, but it’s true. Its as I said, “a diamond”. Whoever it is, is very, very lucky.

there

2004-11-19T13:51:00.000-08:00

Look but don't stare, you can see it if you want.
you can write it all, but you don't know what it is,
you know what you know, and feel what you feel.

Ever in a way, but never really cared.
everyone around but so few that really want it.
experience it, live it, breath it, embrace it,
but don't overlook it.

Whatever you want, whatever need,
whatever you see, whatever you breath,
whatever you live, whatever you love,
is here, and now.

2004-11-16T17:35:00.000-08:00

T.S. Eliot - Four Quartets 1: Burnt Norton
I
Time present and time past
Are both perhaps present in time future,
And time future contained in time past.
If all time is eternally present
All time is unredeemable.
What might have been is an abstraction
Remaining a perpetual possibility
Only in a world of speculation.
What might have been and what has been
Point to one end, which is always present.
Footfalls echo in the memory
Down the passage which we did not take
Towards the door we never opened
Into the rose-garden. My words echo
Thus, in your mind.
But to what purpose
Disturbing the dust on a bowl of rose-leaves
I do not know.
Other echoes
Inhabit the garden. Shall we follow?
Quick, said the bird, find them, find them,
Round the corner. Through the first gate,
Into our first world, shall we follow
The deception of the thrush? Into our first world.
There they were, dignified, invisible,
Moving without pressure, over the dead leaves,
In the autumn heat, through the vibrant air,
And the bird called, in response to
The unheard music hidden in the shrubbery,
And the unseen eyebeam crossed, for the roses
Had the look of flowers that are looked at.
There they were as our guests, accepted and accepting.
So we moved, and they, in a formal pattern,
Along the empty alley, into the box circle,
To look down into the drained pool.
Dry the pool, dry concrete, brown edged,
And the pool was filled with water out of sunlight,
And the lotos rose, quietly, quietly,
The surface glittered out of heart of light,
And they were behind us, reflected in the pool.
Then a cloud passed, and the pool was empty.
Go, said the bird, for the leaves were full of children,
Hidden excitedly, containing laughter.
Go, go, go, said the bird: human kind
Cannot bear very much reality.
Time past and time future
What might have been and what has been
Point to one end, which is always present.
II
Garlic and sapphires in the mud
Clot the bedded axle-tree.
The trilling wire in the blood
Sings below inveterate scars
Appeasing long forgotten wars.
The dance along the artery
The circulation of the lymph
Are figured in the drift of stars
Ascend to summer in the tree
We move above the moving tree
In light upon the figured leaf
And hear upon the sodden floor
Below, the boarhound and the boar
Pursue their pattern as before
But reconciled among the stars.
At the still point of the turning world. Neither flesh nor fleshless;
Neither from nor towards; at the still point, there the dance is,
But neither arrest nor movement. And do not call it fixity,
Where past and future are gathered. Neither movement from nor towards,
Neither ascent nor decline. Except for the point, the still point,
There would be no dance, and there is only the dance.
I can only say, there we have been: but I cannot say where.
And I cannot say, how long, for that is to place it in time.
The inner freedom from the practical desire,
The release from action and suffering, release from the inner
And the outer compulsion, yet surrounded
By a grace of sense, a white light still and moving,
Erhebung without motion, concentration
Without elimination, both a new world
And the old made explicit, understood
In the completion of its partial ecstasy,
The resolution of its partial horror.
Yet the enchainment of past and future
Woven in the weakness of the changing body,
Protects mankind from heaven and damnation
Which flesh cannot endure.
Time past and time future
Allow but a little consciousness.
To be conscious is not to be in time
But only in time can the moment in the rose-garden,
The moment in the arbour where the rain beat,
The moment in the draughty church at smokefall
Be remembered; involved with past and future.
Only through time time is conquered.
III
Here is a place of disaffection
Time before and time after
In a dim light: neither daylight
Investing form with lucid stillness
Turning shadow into transient beauty
With slow rotation suggesting permanence
Nor darkness to purify the soul
Emptying the sensual with deprivation
Cleansing affection from the temporal.
Neither plenitude nor vacancy. Only a flicker
Over the strained time-ridden faces
Distracted from distraction by distraction
Filled with fancies and empty of meaning
Tumid apathy with no concentration
Men and bits of paper, whirled by the cold wind
That blows before and after time,
Wind in and out of unwholesome lungs
Time before and time after.
Eructation of unhealthy souls
Into the faded air, the torpid
Driven on the wind that sweeps the gloomy hills of London,
Hampstead and Clerkenwell, Campden and Putney,
Highgate, Primrose and Ludgate. Not here
Not here the darkness, in this twittering world.
Descend lower, descend only
Into the world of perpetual solitude,
World not world, but that which is not world,
Internal darkness, deprivation
And destitution of all property,
Desiccation of the world of sense,
Evacuation of the world of fancy,
Inoperancy of the world of spirit;
This is the one way, and the other
Is the same, not in movement
But abstention from movement; while the world moves
In appetency, on its metalled ways
Of time past and time future.
IV
Time and the bell have buried the day,
The black cloud carries the sun away.
Will the sunflower turn to us, will the clematis
Stray down, bend to us; tendril and spray
Clutch and cling?
Chill
Fingers of yew be curled
Down on us? After the kingfisher's wing
Has answered light to light, and is silent, the light is still
At the still point of the turning world.
V
Words move, music moves
Only in time; but that which is only living
Can only die. Words, after speech, reach
Into the silence. Only by the form, the pattern,
Can words or music reach
The stillness, as a Chinese jar still
Moves perpetually in its stillness.
Not the stillness of the violin, while the note lasts,
Not that only, but the co-existence,
Or say that the end precedes the beginning,
And the end and the beginning were always there
Before the beginning and after the end.
And all is always now. Words strain,
Crack and sometimes break, under the burden,
Under the tension, slip, slide, perish,
Decay with imprecision, will not stay in place,
Will not stay still. Shrieking voices
Scolding, mocking, or merely chattering,
Always assail them. The Word in the desert
Is most attacked by voices of temptation,
The crying shadow in the funeral dance,
The loud lament of the disconsolate chimera.
The detail of the pattern is movement,
As in the figure of the ten stairs.
Desire itself is movement
Not in itself desirable;
Love is itself unmoving,
Only the cause and end of movement,
Timeless, and undesiring
Except in the aspect of time
Caught in the form of limitation
Between un-being and being.
Sudden in a shaft of sunlight
Even while the dust moves
There rises the hidden laughter
Of children in the foliage
Quick now, here, now, always—
Ridiculous the waste sad
T.S. Eliot - Four Quartets 1: Burnt Norton